The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband."

The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

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How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

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A preacher noticed a little boy on the front steps of the church. As he walked up to him, he noticed the little boy repeatedly pressing his thumb to the concrete and yelling, "these fucking ants!"

The preacher exclaimed, "my son, what on earth are you doing"?

The little boy replied, "I'm getting rid of all these fucking ants!"

The preacher first reprimanded the little boy for using such foul language and then said to him. "My son, all of God's creatures have a purpose on earth and it is a sin to harm them. I want you to go home and if you can think of three things God put on this earth that serve no purpose, you come back and see me."

The following day, as the preacher approached the church, he noticed the same little boy on the front steps. As before, he was pressing his thumb to the concrete and screaming, "these fucking ants!"

The preacher immediately grabbed the little boy and scolded, "my son, what did I tell you yesterday?"

The little boy replied, "you told me to go home and think of three things God put here that serve no purpose."

"You mean to tell me you thought of three things?" the preacher asked in amazement.

"Yes I did!" replied the little boy, "tits on a nun, dicks on preachers and..... these fucking ants!!"

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After spending the night with a young, sexy, passion woman, Sam rolled over, and pulled a cigarette from his pants. He searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer."

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

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Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"

"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.

The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow!"

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A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the 401 for a nice evening drive. As the needle jumped up to 125 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

Confident he could outrun the police car, be began to drive faster. The needle hit 130, 140, 150 and finally 160 with the lights still behind him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork, and I did enjoy chasing you like that, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice night," said the officer and went home.

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"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.