- You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

- You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

- You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.

- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

- You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party

but find there aren't any.

- Your twin brother forgot your birthday.

- You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes

from the city.

- Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as

you follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway.

- You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and

then realize you don't have a waterbed.

- Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

- You call your answering service and you're told to mind

your own business.

- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

- Your tax refund check bounces.

- You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

- Your pet rock snaps at you.

 "Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!"

- Bill Owen

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."

- Robin Williams

"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory."