Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it!

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

10. Musical recliners.

Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie Nelson."

5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR

1. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

2. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

3. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

4. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

5. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

6. "OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

7. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

8. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.