'Twas the night before Christmas, and all round my hips

Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips!

Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care

In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

Papa in his girdle and I in chin straps

Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps,

When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,

Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash -

The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow

Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below,

When what to my wandering eyes should appear

But a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!

That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick...

I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick!

The chocolate-iced Santa, those sugared reindeer,

I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall,

Now dash away pounds, now dash away all!

Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress,

My clothes were all bulging from too much excess,

My droll little mouth and my round little belly

Shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly!

I spoke not a word but went straight to my work,

And ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk,

And laying a finger beside my heartburn

I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom and turned.

I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry,

"If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by!"

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night,

"In the morning I'll starve... till I take that first bite!"