|
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and M&M's?
A: A cock that will melt in your mouth but not in your hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for "lesbian".
A. It has been changed to "vagitarian".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: WHY DID THE CHICKEN NOT WEAR uNDERWEAR?
A: BECAUSE HIS PECKER IS ON HIS FACE!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young boy went up to his father and asked "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a
moment, then answered, "Go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what
you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds?" The mother replies "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that"
The boy then went to his sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?" The sister replied "Oh my God, yes! I would just love to do that, I'd be mad to pass up that opportunity!"
The boy ponders on it for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asks "Did the answers from your mother and sister help you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied "Yes, Dad. Potentially, we're sitting on two million pounds, but realistically, we're living with a couple of slappers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were skinny-dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked, "How did ya get it that big?"
The other boy responded, "Well I rub it down every night with lard."
Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again, there was a comparison made, with no results.
The first boy said, "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco."
The other boy exclaimed, "Well, no wonder. That's shortening."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the
door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It's evident that the man has dandruff problems,
because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, "Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders."
The blonde then responds, "How do you give shoulders?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex
party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her
grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered
and explained, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, pull the skin back and suck them dry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why shouldn't you suck a twelve inch dick?
A: You could get foot in mouth disease.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ambitious coach of a girl's track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,
"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three military retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(OMG...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
( In my next life I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy, I'm still not over the pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home ..maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed
(Who knew...? Who cares!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig?) |
Captn Jack's Jokes And Comics
